


Only know you've been high (When You're Feeling Low)

by crankyrage



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: I'm kind of sorry, M/M, shameless indulgent fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-26
Updated: 2013-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-06 13:27:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankyrage/pseuds/crankyrage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You ever just feel like maybe this isn’t where we’re supposed to be?”</p><p>Post 3/25 game vs. L.A.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only know you've been high (When You're Feeling Low)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So, this is a kind of a post game follow-up fic. But, it can be read without the context of the game, as well. I haven't really proofread other than a quick glance, so mistakes may be present, and they're all my own. This is shameless fluff without a real plot, but hey, I tried. Sorry if it's terrible -- which it kind of is.
> 
> Title taken from Passenger's Let Her Go.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, and mean no harm by using any real-life person or their likeness; this is simply a work of fiction for entertainment value.

“You ever just feel like maybe this isn’t where we’re supposed to be?”

Johnny takes a swig of his beer staring mouth-opened slightly at Kaner’s words, “Not really.”

“Like,” Kaner sighs throwing his hands up a bit, “We both love hockey and shit, right? But, like what if my parents had got me into like math or ceramics or fucking, I dunno cup-stacking or something?”

Johnny laughs at that, “Ceramics, Kaner? Cup-stacking?”

“They show it on ESPN; it’s a thing!” Kaner retorts, “So maybe not those things, but something else, y’know – I worked hard and shit – and had talent, but it was really luck and circumstance that got me this far, y’know?”

Johnny snickers slightly tipping his head back against his couch, “If I knew you were going to be a philosophical drunk, Kaner, I would have drowned my sorrows myself.”

“I’m being serious!” Kaner squawks hitting Johnny on the shoulder, “Like what if hockey is just what I lucked into, and there’s something else for me?”

Johnny scoffs, “You don’t really believe that! Kaner, man, if you’re this good at something, it’s what you were meant to do.”

“That’s what I used to think,” Patrick replies after a beat his beer bottle suddenly becoming fascinating to him, “But, hockey is like – I dunno it’s a game, and it hurts.”

Johnny stares at him for a second but can’t help what comes out of his mouth next, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m a grown man – or at least I’m supposed to be, and I play a game for a living. More than that, everything I am is wrapped up in it – like without hockey who am I?”

“I’m not drunk enough for this,” Johnny mutters downing the rest of his beer.

“Sorry,” Patrick suddenly looks sheepish, “I guess I’ve really been in my head lately.”

Johnny sighs slamming his beer bottle a little harder than necessary onto the coffee table, “You know none of the loses are your fault, right? I know the shit you’ve been saying to the media, and it isn’t true, Kaner. You’ve been putting it out there every night. You’ve been great. We lose as a team.”

“It’s not just that,” Patrick replies slowly, cautiously, “I mean – yeah, I’m frustrated with myself. But, I also – hockey’s all that I have, Johnny.”

“That’s not—“ Johnny tries to interject.

“It kind of is, though,” Patrick resumes, “I mean I have my family and I have the guys – but really, I just have a shitty reputation for partying too much and a few too many embarrassing pictures of me on the internet.”

“Patrick—“

“No, listen—“ Patrick scrubs his hand over his messy hair, “I just – I fucking love hockey, Johnny – but like when I was in Switzerland I realized – it’s not enough.”

“What are you saying?” Johnny asks trepidly.

“I’ve just – I’ve been thinking a lot lately about stuff – like the summer really showed me that I have to get my fucking shit together, y’know?”

“You have—“

“Not just the drinking. It’s like my whole life had been this promise – like if I worked hard enough and counted my blessings and ate all my fucking vegetables, I would get what I wanted. And, I did Johnny – I literally have everything that I ever wanted. I got drafted first overall. I won the Calder. I scored the Cup Winner to end a 49-year drought of an original six team. I’ve eclipsed the dreams I had when I was a kid. But, it’s like what do I do now?”

Johnny just nods stupidly because Kaner had done all those things – duh.

“It’s like—“ Kaner pauses mutter a few choice words, “I just – it’s like Christmas when you’re kid – it’s about the anticipation. What can you do when you have nothing left to really anticipate? I mean yeah I want to win the cup and score a shit ton more goals and have a great rest of my career – but it’s not as fulfilling when it’s not the first time.”

“I don’t—“

“I need something else – and that’s really fucking stupid and selfish and why I act out probably, because I just want to jump out of my skin all the fucking time. Like I want hockey but I need something else, I dunno.”

“Okay,” Johnny says calmly, “Wait – what?”

“Like I feel like I’m never going to be happy again – like everything I ever wanted was a lie. When I was a kid I dreamed and dreamed of being in the NHL – of being a great player. That shit came true, and I’m living it. We’re always told when we’re kids to keep our noses to the grindstone and work our asses off, so we can get what we want – so we can be happy. But, I got what I wanted – but I’m not happy. I feel fucking stifled by my life. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life.”

“I—“

“I’m drowning, Johnny. I’m drowning.”

Johnny almost physically reels back from Patrick’s words, “What?”

“I want to be happy,” Patrick says simply shrugging one shoulder and looking away from Johnny.

“Holy fuck,” Johnny replies after a few tense moments of silence, “You’re really fucked up – and people say I have a complex.”

“Sorry,” Patrick mumbles folding back into the couch and finishing his beer.

“That’s not what I meant, Kaner – I just – I’m surprised. I don’t know where all of this is coming from.”

Patrick shrugs again looking like he’s ready to shut down the conversation.

“Look – I’m not going to tell you how to live your life or whatever – but I think that everyone feels like that at certain points in their lives. But, I think if you surround yourself with the right people, you start to find yourself. You’re where you’re supposed to be, Patrick. I know it.”

“How can you be so sure?” Patrick shoots back voice slightly rawer than it had been a few minutes before.

“I’m not sure – but like I want to believe that. Life really sucks – like really sucks sometimes, Kaner. It’s frustrating and terrible – and it hurts, okay? But, like it also makes it kind of awesome.”

Patrick rolls his eyes wiping at them a bit, “Who’s getting all philosophical now?”

Johnny scoffs and reaches for one of Patrick’s wrists, “C’mere.”

Patrick bites his lip and moves relunctantly closer to Johnny laying his head against Johnny’s chest.

Johnny fits an arm around him and kisses the top of his head, “Look, stop bottling all this shit up, it’s not you. Stop blaming yourself for losing games and try to loosen up a little, babe.”

Johnny can feel Patrick nod against his collarbone, “You’ll find your way back, okay? We all get lost sometimes.”

Patrick nods again and Johnny makes a few shushing noises in his ear.

“I love you,” Johnny murmurs in his ear almost inaudibly, but he knows Patrick hears him.

Patrick stiffens slightly but then relaxes, and they sit like that for a while in silence empty beer bottles long forgotten and the game finally off their minds.


End file.
